Stupid box

13 May 12

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Dylan Moran, What It Is.

(Source: thebaxinator)

8 May 12

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(Source: sarahxmay)

5 February 12

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croatstiels:

→tv characters who complete this ride: Bernard Black, Black Books

23 January 12

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And the thing is woman do have to do all kinds of things themselves. And they lie about it ‘cause of all the pressure. Woman go and get their hair made bullet-proof and get the implants. The silly clothes and the stupid shoes everybody wears now. You know these… And they say ”Oh, l enjoy. l did it for me, you know. l like the fact that it takes me 45 minutes to get in or out of a chair.” l’ve always wanted to look like a prawn who’s being airlifted. lt’s a total lie. That’s not the kind of thing a person does for themselves. You know what l did for me? I had an eclair inside an eclair. That’s the kind of thing you do for yourself.
- Dylan Moran, ‘Yeah Yeah’, 2011

And the thing is woman do have to do all kinds of things themselves. And they lie about it ‘cause of all the pressure. Woman go and get their hair made bullet-proof and get the implants. The silly clothes and the stupid shoes everybody wears now. You know these… And they say ”Oh, l enjoy. l did it for me, you know. l like the fact that it takes me 45 minutes to get in or out of a chair.” l’ve always wanted to look like a prawn who’s being airlifted. lt’s a total lie. That’s not the kind of thing a person does for themselves. You know what l did for me? I had an eclair inside an eclair. That’s the kind of thing you do for yourself.

- Dylan Moran, ‘Yeah Yeah’, 2011

Posted: 7:43 PM

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“ The single best thing that can happen to you is when you catch the person you love in your house having a nap. ”Oh, no, no, no. Trying to enjoy yourself in your own lifetime. Are you out of your fucking mind?” And because everybody walks around with an obscure sense of guilt anyway, they bounce up in bed going, ”l wasn’t asleep. l just lay down and closed my eyes.” ”You weren’t asleep? You were fucking snoring.” ”That’s not true. l don’t snore. l never snore.” ”Really? Well, it took me five minutes to pull the curtains out of your mouth.” ”Sounded like somebody throwing bananas into the Hadron Collider.” ”Two rhinos fucking in a giant vat of crisps.

— Dylan Moran, ‘Yeah Yeah’, 2011

Posted: 7:36 PM

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“ Yes, l said the word ”disco” from the Latin. Meaning to put the moves on a lady under spangly lights.

— Dylan Moran, ‘Yeah Yeah’, 2011

Posted: 7:30 PM

Comments | 4 notes

“ Ah… Who wrote Frankenstein? Mary Shelley. Now this is gonna sound like a bit of a generalisation. All women. Past, present and future are Mary Shelley. And all men are the creature. Look at a man. Look at him. Look at a man in the morning. What is he? A thing, banging into walls, in search of a toilet. He is blind and he has an erection.

— Dylan Moran, ‘Yeah Yeah’, 2011

Posted: 5:40 PM

Comments | 284 notes

“ Really, if you’re a proper gown-up person in the 21st century and you’re an adult human being, how can you relax at all? The mind keeps churning. You think, ”What if this thing happens? Um-hmm? What if that thing happens? What if they happen together? What if l lose my job? l hate my fucking job, but what if l lose it?” Your mind is a hive of worms and worms don’t live in a hive so it already feels unnatural. You lie in bed, you’re beside your partner. This thing, that thing. ”What if l died?” lf you don’t have a partner, you just think, ”What if l died? Okay, l would be dead.” But if you do have a partner, and a family, then ”What if l died? How would they cope? How would they? They wouldn’t. They would be out on the street in half an hour stealing food from seagulls’ mouths.” Or worse, they would cope! They’d have a much nicer, cleaner house. And an improved sense of self worth. Probably more money. And inevitably, your partner would find somebody within the first three to four days and begin a tumultuous sexual relationship. They would be having sex a lot in your bed when you were dead. The morning, the afternoon, the evening and the night time would be the main times they would be having sex in your bed when you were dead. Feeding each other lobster with their bare hands to give each other more energy to try it in new and more demanding ways. When your realise you are lying besides somebody who is waiting for you to die! And what’s more, they’re sleeping to make the time go faster.

— Dylan Moran, ‘Yeah Yeah’, 2011

Posted: 5:32 PM

Comments | 91 notes

“ The dark creates all kinds of things. The dark creates music, particular kinds of music. Horrible folk music you don’t want to listen to. And heavy metal which they love in dark places. They love it in Scandinavia. They have all these metal bands, you know? And they’re not like the English ones or American ones that have names like Metallica and Megadeth and so on. The names are… ‘Cause English isn’t their first language in Scandinavia even though they all speak it. So they call their bands things like Anus Hammer. Egg Smuggler, all that stuff. lt’s a very interesting look, heavy metal, you know. You have everything down here. You’ve got jazz and ska and everything, you know. Whatever, folk music, too, probably. Folk music has its own look. lt has a… You know, people wear dungarees ‘cause they say, ”l’m a man or a woman of the people. This isn’t my main thing, you know. l’m just like you really. My main job is harvesting turnips. Anyway, this next number is called Cross-eyed Mary of the Lowlands. l’d like to dedicate it to my wife.” And then there’s jazz, you know, where you get people in suits but they’re non-conformist suits ‘cause they’re wearing a pink shirt with a green jacket and a blue tie and trousers too complex to describe. ‘Cause they’re saying, ”Yes, l’m wearing a suit but l work for me. And my job is to play the electrified tractor horn till 5:00 in the morning, so fuck you.” Heavy metal is a very interesting look. The look is a kind of an argument. lt’s an argument against Darwinism. Because what the people who are involved are saying, is that attraction is not necessary for reproduction. That’s why they shave all the hair off where it would naturally be and cultivate it in places it shouldn’t be. And that’s why the music is so angry. You know, if you shave all the hair off your arse and get into a pair of leather trousers, you’re gonna sing an angry song. lt’s not gonna be some wistful ballad about that crazy summer in Paris with Justine. lt’s going to be much more, ”Death in the morning, death for breakfast. Little pots of toasted death.” Heavy metal is what happens when a group of people with competitively disgusting appearances come together to try to kill air. No, partly… Partly, that is probably age speaking. l just can’t tolerate certain things, you know.

— Dylan Moran, ‘Yeah Yeah’, 2011