“ Really, if you’re a proper gown-up person in the 21st century and you’re an adult human being, how can you relax at all? The mind keeps churning. You think, ”What if this thing happens? Um-hmm? What if that thing happens? What if they happen together? What if l lose my job? l hate my fucking job, but what if l lose it?” Your mind is a hive of worms and worms don’t live in a hive so it already feels unnatural. You lie in bed, you’re beside your partner. This thing, that thing. ”What if l died?” lf you don’t have a partner, you just think, ”What if l died? Okay, l would be dead.” But if you do have a partner, and a family, then ”What if l died? How would they cope? How would they? They wouldn’t. They would be out on the street in half an hour stealing food from seagulls’ mouths.” Or worse, they would cope! They’d have a much nicer, cleaner house. And an improved sense of self worth. Probably more money. And inevitably, your partner would find somebody within the first three to four days and begin a tumultuous sexual relationship. They would be having sex a lot in your bed when you were dead. The morning, the afternoon, the evening and the night time would be the main times they would be having sex in your bed when you were dead. Feeding each other lobster with their bare hands to give each other more energy to try it in new and more demanding ways. When your realise you are lying besides somebody who is waiting for you to die! And what’s more, they’re sleeping to make the time go faster.
— Dylan Moran, ‘Yeah Yeah’, 2011
